Random thoughts I had over the course of 2020:
- Have had the biggest surgery of my life so far. Lost half of my hearing on my left. Life has been frustrating. On one hand, speech comprehension has been affected, I can hear people talking but I sometimes could not make out what they are trying to say; on the other hand, I am too embarrassed and arrogant to ask people to repeat themselves. The smile-and-nod, has been a relative staple in my interactions with people in 2020, but people speaking with masks on, made things even more complicated…but what can I do? Gotta live with it right?
- I have reached 30. I found out the older I get, the less fucks I give, especially to people around me. Don’t get me wrong this does not mean I don’t care about them, I am simply recognising people growing apart as a fact of life. People you love today might not love you tomorrow, and you can do little to change that. ‘The only person you can change, is yourself’. I learnt that the hard away.
- Have been meaning to splurge and buy myself a 30-year-old birthday present. This Omega Seamaster Aqua Terra does have special meaning to me because my grandfather left me with an Omega Seamaster too, so me owning another Seamaster seems to be fitting in the sense of continuing his legacy. I am not sure why, but I do not feel I deserve it, even though I did achieve something in my career and I wanted to celebrate getting my brain tumour sorted out (relatively speaking).
- A close friend once said I am in a limbo. Well, he is not wrong. As an introvert, I HATE CHANGE. Change takes a huge effort for me to get used to. And my life in 2020 had been looking like clockwork (no surprises there, I am a watch nerd duh 🤷). You work, you eat, you shit, and you go to sleep. Day in and day out. Of course he only said that to mean I am in a relationship limbo and he is not wrong either. I guess being afraid of being too attached to a new person and fearing unreturned feelings/being abandoned again changed what I look for in relationships. And I do this to only preserve the little dignity I still have for myself. If everything falls through, at least I can still trick myself into believing I am not that into the girl. Pathetic I know. But as I said, you cannot expect to change others. The only person you can reliably change, is yourself.
I took a really hard hit when my last relationship fell apart, and the little faith I have for another girl liking me has grown a lot dimmer, and yet it is constantly at odds with the hopeless romantic in me. Funny I would never say these words to another living person in a million years and yet here I am, blushing at my own words feeling like a 15-year old.
- If I am being completely honest, the more I achieved, the less confident I became. I constantly feel like I am an impostor and I do not deserve those achievements. People have been saying ‘Aw you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Don’t stress yourself out!’. Yes, I know you meant well but it’s difficult for me. I am a pathological people-pleaser. I want people to be in harmony. And although I know this is impossible in real life, I always try my best to ensure that. I just could not help it. But all this did is to feed the vicious cycle of me thinking myself being an impostor — I got what I got simply by pleasing people, and I don’t actually deserve it.
- COVID thoughts: wearing a mask and a hearing aid is not fun. Hearing aid keeps on getting tangled with the ear loop. Losing the ability to read facial expressions as a hard-of-hearing person sucks big time. Needing to go to a lot of follow-up doctor appointments when there is an epidemic around is terrifying too.
It is now 11:49 pm and we are 11 minutes to 2021. I am super sleepy from the antihistamines for my eczema (first serious flare-up in 30 years, fml). Good night and good bye 2020. I hope 2021 would suck less.